Waiting for my Bus

Standing alone on roadside,
Watching never-ending traffic tide
The horns, the beeps, the smoke
Overshadowing the dusky eve.

Who has the time to see
Blue to red turning sky?
Busy street busy people
Rushing home in vehicle,

And there I stand and wait
Near malls lights so bright
My bus I am so eagerly looking
Soon along with all i'll be hiding.

When nothing goes as you Wish !

20th May Tues 9:35pm

Well it struck to me that on 22nd May it was my parent’s 24th Wedding anniversary. You bet I was excited. Was thinking of where to go on 22nd and what all things to do?

21st May Wed 5pm

I was thrilled for the D-day. I had also enquired with friends where could i find one Mexican restaurant. I thought it would be a change to try some new restaurant. A sort of happiness which can’t be explained overflowed my face with a smile now and then. I searched for the restaurant suggested by my friend in wikimapia. I hoped i am not assigned any tough work so that i can reach home tomorrow early.
After reaching home i told my parents that we would go to Pastamania for dinner and then go to Iskon Mega mall as we hadn’t seen this new mega mall. Just then my father received a call. It changed expression of his face. As soon as the call ended he called someone. We asked what the matter was. He told with a serious tone Monu(one of my cousins working in jamnagar) is not well. Suffering from jaundice and also suspected of possible chickenpox (although not sure about it). Father announced that Monu will come tomorrow and will depart to kerala on 23rd, early morning by flight. He told that he has talked to travel agent about flight ticket.

The first thing that came to me was 'Why tomorrow?'

22nd May Thurs 5:30am

I woke up startled in the morning to hear that entire hullabaloo going on in the front. I thought he must have arrived and thought not to give him warmest of welcome. But one look at him and my thought of anguish vanished. He was so lean and he looked as if he was a personification of illness. He was not alone, was accompanied by two other guys.

I finished my chores early and decided to reach office before time. Reason: First, our small home became overcrowded and if i leave early it meant more space. Second, my mom insisted me that i don’t stay coz if he had chickenpox then it might spread.

Depressed from the fact that nothing went according to plan and i couldn’t even manage to wish them coz i never got a moment when both of them were together.

23rd May Fri 6:45am

After leaving Monu to the airport Dad reached home and i found myself saying to my parents "Belated Wedding Anniversary wishes".

It often happens to me that whenever i wish something to happen and m waiting for that particular moment eagerly it never happens. Just as unexpected surprises coming ur way brings extreme joy, expected events not happening according to your wish brings extreme distress.

Quote

'We cannot wish for that we know not.' - Voltaire

Mad ride

7:15 pm standing at ‘Iskon bus stop’ waiting for the bus really pissed me off. Standing for 15 long minutes and seeing the crowd that was gathering for getting in the bus was increasing exponentially and also knowing the fact that yesterday it took nearly an hour (about 8:30pm may be) to get in the bus, I decided to venture out for a Shuttle Rickshaw. I thought i will somehow make it to ‘Lal Darwaza’ by rickshaw and from there I will have numerous options to reach home as Lal Darwaza is a major stop. Was it the right decision?

Well the rickshaw driver stuffed up 4 at the back and 2 at the front and I thought how's he gonna drive. For me it was lucky I got extreme end portion of the rickshaw although the other 3 who were super heavyweights squashed me up to pulp, it really didn’t matter as at least I got some air to breathe. And then the rickshaw took off. No traffic signals, no traffic rules, no DAMN DRIVING RULES from the book, it was just the hardcore driving that I had ever witnessed. A feeling like I was in some NFS car sitting and experiencing all those mad driving.

A corner came and it was time to turn to right. I was expecting a hand from driver to come out and signal other drivers coming from the back. Surprisingly it was a leg that popped out. I saw a destination for me - either Lal Darwaza or heaven (if god permitted me to allow in). Luckily for me two of the passengers got down in midway and that meant more space to me. In order to avoid traffic policemen, he was taking every unknown nooks and lanes. One of the passengers asked him if we were on right track. He smiled as if making fun and said leave it to him. After 5 minutes of unknown lane driving that made Ahmedabad look like a place full of pits, we came to an absolute dead end. So we had to turn back all the way where we had come, to a lane recognized by all of us and almost everyone shouted pointing the driver so loud that other commuters looked at our rickshaw as if it was filled up with a bunch of nerds.

Finally I reached Lal Darwaza and gleefully gave him 10 rupee note and happy at the fact that at least I made it.

Two things I want to tell you all guys "Patience is still a virtue". And if you think that rollercoaster rides don't provide you enough thrill then try commuting from Iskon to Lal Darwaza in a shuttle rickshaw on a nice crowded evening!!!

To the Brave Fighter in the arena named LIFE

I need to get this feeling that has been there in my heart since last night since I visited one of my friend’s blog. I took it for just another blog just like me. Sometimes I felt that some of her posts had a sound of dismay. So fool of me that I didn’t have the patience to visit the blog completely. I gave no notice to Fire section that was there in the sidebar. And in one of the posts I said 'Get over it'. Well I really feel ashamed, yes I am.

Later on yesterday I visited the fire section on her blog and couldn’t stop tears from my eyes. Every word, every picture, every tone had pain. Bloody visual, smell of soot and fire, that rascal jackass everything sent a shiver down my spine and to know that she was in the middle of everything left me aghast. Still she has stood up and taken the life bravely I think. I don’t think I would ever have.

She has my respect and really I feel proud to know her. I don’t know I am doing this for the first time. I have made an award for ‘Brave Fighter’ and I couldn’t think anyone other than you Whim. I will be glad and really honored if you accept it please. Here’s the link. And pass on to some one you know deserves it. Love you whim.

Flying with Jonathan Livingston Seagull

6 years, yeah that's how long i havent read a book. Book reading used to be my passion before college days and i dont know how but this habit gradually faded away. In order to be back on track i picked up a book from Crossword last Thursday, Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. Have read it today and found it interesting.

It's a short book and revolves around a seagull that is different from rest of the flock. While other seagulls just think about eating and considers flight only as an ability to do that, Jonathan loves flying. He wants to learn everything there is with flying and constantly tries to improve his flight. In short it’s a story about searching for freedom and pursuing perfection.

We are sometimes afraid to let ourselves go and we need company to feel safe. I guess this book shows us that we never should stop believing in ourselves. Our inner voice is important and not what others say or expect us to do or to be. But we need to know that this is a process and that we are all learners and there is no limit in pursuit of perfection.

The book is written beautifully and spreads a message to listen to your heart and do whatever to realize your dreams, to find a higher purpose for life to learn, to discover and to be free without considering any material desires, to overcome confining to just space and time and to help others understand what they really are and what they are capable to.

I would surely recommend you to read this book. I guarantee you will enjoy it. For those of you who want to buy it from Amazon here’s the link - Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Btw learnt some new words from the book. ‘Anchovy’ is a type of fish and ‘outcast’ means a person who is rejected.

Quote from the book

Each of us is in truth an idea of the Great Gull, an unlimited idea of freedom and precision flying is a step toward expressing our real nature. Everything that limits us we have to put aside.

Hiding away from Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia,
originally uploaded by potsrme1962.

One of the problems i face, rather weakness i have, i must say is to cope up with new situation, surrounding or people. It comes to me as natural nervousness when i m surrounded with lot of people. A feeling to act as a lone man marooned among people not knowing what to do, how to behave, what to say engulfs me. In fact words dont come out, i feel sweaty all the time and it looks as if a strange sort of fear has been injected to most of my neurons making me behave the way i do. This naturally leads to frequent silly mistakes and it just adds to my nervousness.

I dont know what the reason is - my introvert nature, my hatred to socializing or should i say my inability to socializing coz that'z what it is; generally hatred for some thing arises due to lack of the ability or skill to do that thing.

Surprising is the fact that i tend to do things better when i am alone or my conscious mind is made to believe that there is no one around. So things like chatting and blogging go well with me where in there is a level of invisibility involved.

One of the work around or solution that i have found to escape this fear is to turn a blind eye and make myself feel that there is no one around though its not possible to apply in every field. And other thing that i most often do is to be with someone that i know well wherever i go ;)


Quote: I'm not exactly agoraphobic but I'm pretty close ... I'm really afraid to go out - Billy Bob Thornton

Remember me ???

Today morning while I was in bus, I saw a postbox -- A POSTBOX? Yes a postbox and it has been ages since I have seen that. Well it really brought back memories.

Remembering the times -- may be a decade and half ago- there were these red colored postboxes almost around every nook and corner of the city. And mummy would ask me to post those lovely blue colored inland letters to my relatives in kerala. Also every month twice or thrice postman used to knock the door to hand the letter. Also in festivals like Diwali we used to expect a colorful greeting card from our kin. I still cherish them. My mummy would read loud the letter in malayalam and everyone would curiously listen. Also while sending letter me and my bro used to give final touches in English saying 'We miss you' or so and then seal of the letter with boiled rice or glue. This letter writing didn’t just confine to home. Even in school in all the three language subjects we had i.e. English, Hindi and Gujarati we used to have this letter writing section which begins with writing address on the right side continuing to greetings - body - regards to other members of family - and then enclosing signature. Also there used to be a concept of pen friends which was taught to us in one of the English lectures though I have never tried it myself.

As years have passed, things seem something like history. In an age of mobiles and mails - and low tariffs of airtimes for both local and international calls - i guess we all have stopped writing letters - or even writing for that matter. It’s been years since I wrote now - I feel more comfortable just picking up the phone and talking for that matter. Who has the time to sit and write? We don’t have time anyways. We have so much to do -job, home, malls, movies, internet, TV...and so on.

To convey a message either to friends or cousins, one just logs on to one’s e-mail account, scribbles a few lines and hits the send button. Job done. It's good that we are living in a technology era where we can talk and see a guy in US at the same time compared to scene of yester years where we just rely on handwritten letters. But letters and postbox -- I miss them!! Don’t you?

Elude

Last night I had been to a restaurant located in main city. And as it often happens it made me feel sick to be among hoards of so called upper class people. I dont know why it makes me uncomfortable to be among them. I know west has made a great influence over here but completely aping them stretches out too far. For people in the west living the lifestyle that they live is nothing new and it comes out to them as natural and they don't make fuss about it. But then people here trying to behave like them! Cut it out. Wearing fake smiles, big talks, over obese bodies wearing skin tight dresses and terming it as fashion, strong perfumes, well there is no end to them. It seems that they are seeking to draw unnecessary attention.The only thing that came to me as relief was children. At least they were behaving according to their age full of innocent questions.

I dont know why but i really dont enjoy being with them call it my conservative nature or whatever u like but i dont like it at all. I know it will be difficult to avoid them as i m in IT field where money flows like water and such pompous environment cant be avoided. And i pretty much wonder will this thing lead to a gradual metamorphosis in me making me one among them. I really dont know.

Pursuit

Away from this place,
Away from the people,
Away from noise,
Away from tensions,
Away from backstabs,
Away from selfish motives,
Away from egos,
Away from materialism,
Away from melancholy,
Away from greed.

I need to run away
I need to fly
With wings of lightheartedness
With a desire for Peace
Enjoying every bit
Of what i enjoy most
Following the trails Of
The Eternal Spiritual Silence.